14 Days Down...

Listen up guys - I am 3.8kg lighter. Yes that's right, I weigh LESS! Now when I walk in a skirt, it stays in place. It no longer rides up, revealing my cottage white thighs that sing "HERE COMES JEMMA!" as I cruise on through. Trust me, that really happens.

This salad was genuinely served without pizza.

So I now weigh 97.8kg. For those of you who just screwed up your nose and turned your head sideways - congratulations, you can add. What I failed to tell you all is that over the Christmas holidays, I added another layer of icing to this already obese cake. At my peak, I topped the scales at a whopping 101.6kg. That's right - I qualified for the Biggest Loser and had three whole digits staring back at me on the scales. It may as well have said "you're killing me, fudgyboomba".

The past two weeks have been surprisingly easier than I expected. I even managed to eat a chicken salad, which wasn't the worst experience of my life.

What I have learnt over the past two weeks is that there are certain things I am completely grateful for and things that I will struggle with while ever my third chin exists:

How I feel I look.

Lorna Jane - I may have had to sign over my first born to be able to afford the bloody tights, but they hold that shit in like it's nobody's business. From someone who always thought all tights were the same, when I put LJ on I feel like a silicone enhanced, bouncy number who's arse doesn't expand simply at the sight of food.

How I actually look.. pastry and all.

Portion control - what the fuck is the point of eating only healthy food AND being limited to the amount I'm allowed to eat?! Thank Christ I get bored of the bloody chaff I'm eating so I keep in line with my portion sizes. Bullshit I say. Buuut, for the sake of widening the smile on my face rather than widening the elastic on my pants, I'll go along with this nonsense.

Heat - part of me loves the heat from the amount of sweat it produces. Basically I've convinced myself that sweltering in the heat is the equivalent of a 45 minute spin class. I'm wrong - but I will NOT be told otherwise. What I was not aware of though was the sweat marks I get under my boobs. It's horrendous. When did I realise these existed? When I was in Rockhampton (38 degrees) and three of my boyfriend's neighbours were weirdly staring at me while I put the rubbish in the bin. I don't know what was weirder - them drinking beer or my boob sweat marks... at 7am.

Capsicum - I can't believe the amount of food and health articles I've read lately that are trying to convince me to eat this devil vegetable. Is it even a vegetable?! All I know is it tastes like shit raw, cooked, grilled, roasted, diced and every other way it's served. Why does it have to be crunchy or sloppy like wet snot?! I hate it. But given the benefits it's allegedly linked to (faster metabolism and sexy drive - yes please!), I'm trying to stick it out. I'm giving yellow capsicum a whirl this week and it better bring its A game..

So there we have it - week two is done AND I've managed to spare the ground from squealing every time I take a step... well squealing a little less at least ;)

Adios amigos!